As you all know, December 23 is the official date of Festivus…the holiday–invented by Frank Costanza–for the rest of us. So gather round the Festivus Pole after dinner for the annual Airing of Grievances! The one chance you have to tell people how they have let you down…so gather ’round the Festivus Pole and enjoy:
My neighbors who fail to clean up after their pets, especially in public parks or on the private property of others.
Anyone who drives in the left lane while people pass them on their right.
Posting on social media any of the following: allusions to your love/need for coffee and/or chocolate, photos of your food, anything political designed to persuade others.
Pitbull. Seriously. How is he a thing?
Texting while driving. Seriously. Stop it.
The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Sure, they get some inductees right but how in the world are Abba, The Bee Gees, Electric Light Orchestra and the Crickets in and bands like Motorhead, the Pixies, The Cure, Tina Turner, The Smiths and the Replacements (I’d love to see X, the most underrated band in the history of ever, voted in) not in?
I’ve got three for pastors: First, if you used your pulpit in 2016–where you should’ve been preaching Christ–for endorsing a political candidate, shame on your for making your highest calling the lowest form of alliance. Second, if you’d leave your job to do anything else making the same amount of money, do that thing right now–you’re not doing any favors for yourself or those you serve. Third, quoting yourself on social media–stop worrying about building your brand and expanding your platform.
Any college football team that gives star players slap-on-the-wrist punishments for things normal people would go to jail for, well, you know who you are: almost all of them.
Star Wars ain’t that great, world. It’s time somebody said it.
2016. Don’t let the door hit ‘cha where the good Lord split ‘cha on the way out, okay?
Alright, my 10 are done…your turn, patrons!